Here’s a thought that recently made me stop and say, “Oh wow!”:

If we are honest, many of us will admit to three tendencies. First, we don’t carefully attend and listen to our own inner voices. Second, we don’t take time for renewal and self-care, envisioning these at best as sporadic and with a sense that they are selfish. Third, we seek external validation and acknowledgement and do not value our internal criteria and standards as equally valid.

—from Reconcile by John Paul Lederach

Lederach has engaged in international peacemaking and reconciliation efforts throughout his career. His book is an introduction to this kind of work, written for the average person who wishes to learn some basic skills to support their own peacemaking work. This particular observation derives from a consideration of the quality of life that Jesus led and the “reconciliation arts” he demonstrated in his life: loving God, self, and others. Part of loving ourselves is resisting these tendencies.

After a decade of seminary and pastoring, I have begun to address the first two tendencies that Lederach names. That is, I listen (at times) to my inner voice. And I have begun to plan regular times for rest and self-care.

But that third one made me stop in my tracks, because I crave external validation. I seek approval from others. I want people to like me and give me positive feedback. And I doubt myself and the pastoral gifts that have been formed in me over the last decade.

The problem is that my gifts have been taught to me by my community. Our society teaches us to value money, power, fame, efficiency, and a certain standard of beauty. My community teaches me to embrace relationships, vulnerability, humility, patience, and the image of God in each person. If I do not value the gifts that they have offered and taught me, then I betray my ministry to them and to the world. And I betray God who has placed me in this community.

If engaged rightly, this valuing of my own criteria and standards would not be boastful or egotistical, because it would occur in the context of self-examination. The goal, says Lederach, is “a sense of self-confidence, without being self-centered.”

And so I’m working on trusting my values and learning to offer them to others as gifts from my community to a world in need.

May you also have the courage to operate out of your best self.