My mental health torments me sometimes. I struggle with anxiety and depression. And despite being a pastor—or maybe because of it—my struggles often take on a spiritual component. Sometimes I find it really difficult to sustain hope. Religious holidays can be especially hard. This past week was one of those times.

My family and my sister’s family were at our parents’ house for our Christmas celebration. Everyone else seemed to be in a festive mood, finding joy in traditions and enjoying the blessing of being together. But at one point when everyone else was engaged in the annual viewing of Christmas Eve on Sesame Street, I was feeling very small and alone in another room. I couldn’t bring myself to join them.

If you have struggled with mental health, you know that the challenges don’t necessarily make logical sense. I knew that I wasn’t where I needed to be, but I couldn’t get myself to act differently. Thankfully, episodes like this are not as common or as intense for me as they were a few years ago. Still, it is discouraging when it happens on Christmas.

I deeply appreciate the writing of Henri Nouwen, since he pastored among people with intellectual disabilities, as I do. And like me, he wrestled with the darkness inside of himself. Today I read a passage from his book, The Road to Daybreak, which framed my Christmas struggle in a new and helpful way:

O Lord, how hard it is to accept your way. You come to me as a small, powerless child born away from home. You live for me as a stranger in your own land. You die for me as a criminal outside the walls of the city, rejected by your own people, misunderstood by your friends, and feeling abandoned by your God.

As I prepare to celebrate your birth, I am trying to feel loved, accepted, and at home in this world, and I am trying to overcome the feelings of alienation and separation which continue to assail me. But I wonder now if my deep sense of homelessness does not bring me closer to you than my occasional feelings of belonging. Where do I truly celebrate your birth: in a cozy home or in an unfamiliar house, among welcoming friends or among unknown strangers, with feelings of well-being or with feelings of loneliness?

“The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey” by Henri J. M. Nouwen

If like me, you are disoriented or feeling like a stranger among family and friends, I hope that you might also find some comfort in knowing that these are the places where God comes to meet us.

(Christmas sunrise over the Atlantic coast)